Has spring sprung? In the greater NYC area, we’ve had nearly 12 days of straight ‘doom and gloom’ weather, either rain, impending rain, ominous clouds, or all of the above! This morning, I opened the paper to see the news was…. at least another 10 days of this non-spring.
This sent me back to the divide I felt so deeply on Easter Sunday. It was a gorgeously warm, sunny day. I sang Jesus Christ is Risen Today with my choir. As we harmonized the lyrics “our triumphant holy day”, I felt sadder and more defeated; in dissonance from my community. My resurrection had not come and it was evident. My struggles were only more intense and pronounced as I tried to feel the joy I was singing about. The more I tried to convince myself to “pick myself up by the bootstraps”, the worse I felt.
So, I surrendered. I collapsed in a heap of tears and fears and sorrows on the couch. Trust me, I didn’t feel any better that day, but I think that was the moment things slowly started creeping upwards. I started seeking out new ways of fighting the pieces of the struggle that I could, and working on accepting those that I couldn’t: a re-commitment to the program that helped me through my chronic insomnia last year, carved out time to assess where I want to go in my career and my relationship, and more quality time with my mom as I learn to grapple with her new diagnosis.
Just as the sun is distant, I’ve found it hard to find the Son. Lately, my goal in my prayer is just to show up, even though neither of these favored friends seem to greet me. I haven’t felt God as intensely as I have in the past, missing that strong connection in my moments of meditation. But when I start to look at my broader life, not just my prayer life, I see God’s fingerprints. Although I can’t see either the sun or the Son with my eyes, I know both are present in the darkness, rising with me each day behind the clouds and bringing some illumination to our world.
Strangely, these gray days have grown to feel more buoyant and full of life. My resurrection has begun, and I’m so thrilled to move towards it. One reflective tool I love is music, and my anthem of late has been Dog Days Are Over. Several times in the past few weeks, I’ve closed my door and danced around to this song, letting it bring the realization that I’m moving forward.
Maybe, just maybe, these gray days are making us more ready for the joy that is bound to come.
Peace in our personal resurrections.