This week’s installment of HTBA welcomes a guest poster. Petro is a dear friend of mine, and also a wise woman, brillant philosophizer and author of This is a Sweet Life. Today, she invites us to reflect on trust.
How to be alone: Trust
Maybe it was the way I was raised or possibly the circumstances that have presented in my life that have formed my attitude. Likely it was a combination of both. I am, for better or for worse, an unwavering optimist. I believe in the kindness of humanity. It’s there. I have witnessed it. And to all the naysayer out there, I truly believe that the more we believe in the kindness of each other, the easier it is to find.
This past year, however, I was singing a different tune.
As the heading of this post indicates, this is an anecdote on how to be alone and trust. Well, learning how to be alone indicates that at one time you weren’t alone. The details aren’t necessary here, but the situation that left me alone also left me with heartache and break and questioning how I could let myself trust people again. In the game of love, I was blindsided with not one but two punches out of (seemingly) nowhere. My eyes were swollen; my ego was hurt. I was incredibly cautious. I was bruised…but I was not beaten (I will get to that later).
You know how you can innocently notice and appreciate an attractive member of the opposite sex? Well I was numb to those feelings for about 3 months. Really. They just turned off. Like a light switch. I became so distrusting that I just didn’t acknowledge….anyone. I doubted kindness. I doubted humanity. I was seriously jaded.
Yet, in this time of rebuilding, I trusted and felt the love of my family and friends SO vibrantly. My support system let me be alone when I needed; let me cry or laugh or yell or rant or sing or plan or energize…. I trusted my feelings of being alone and bruised by a love gone bad with these people. Yet, ironically, I still had these tremendous doubts of being able to trust people again.
Months went by and I finally allowed myself to entertain a few random suitors. Some innocent banter transpiring….plans of meeting for coffee…. While I was moving on, I was stopped very quickly by the huge guards I had put up around me. I was still being cautious. How could I trust again?!
Then, it hit me. My hole in trust had NOTHING to do with humanity and everything to do with MYSELF. Over the time when I was questioning being able to trust others is when I trusted my support system the most. My being able to trust and believe and hope in humanity has brought the best lessons and adventures into my life. The trouble I had with my most recent grabbling with the love-trust relationship resulted in doubt to trust myself to trust others. I proceeded cautiously because I didn’t trust myself to know if I could let good people into my life. The thing is, I have always let good people in my life because at the base, everyone is good. We can just get sidetracked sometimes. And that’s okay.
So I was not beaten in the game of love. I recovered and am stronger than I have ever been. And I still believe in kindness and humanity. And best of all, I trust myself to do so.