I am not the best

Here goes…a soul bearing post. One that I will surely question after hitting ‘publish’, one that I hope will liberate others, and maybe even me.

***

I am not the best.

Ain’t that a blow to the ego?

It ’twas a Monday. Bleak and dreary after a perfectly gorgeous, sunny weekend. Life mosied about, traffic piled up, clouds gave way to the heaviest of rains and the world seemed to crawl into being, barely waking to the day.

Easy to muddle right through. Shouldn’t we know that these are the days when the curveball just might be thrown?

Yes. A medical issue I’ve been dealing with for more than a decade with no avail, solution, or cure, reared up. Struggling to keep composure, while asking all the questions I could think of, I was left with the simple truth: there is no answer. Anything that can be done may make this much worse, but leaving it alone is just as risky. Erosion, displacement, degeneration, CLOTS, avascular necrosis. Words thrown about with such ease. Words that, until now, never meant ME.

Overwhelmed, I put it all down. I got into the business of living. Rushing from a harrowing appointment, to a fitness commitment, inhale food, then jog up the stairs to improv. Winded. Others are talking about great scenes from last week.   I am out of sync.

Class begins. More newcomers and friends we haven’t seen in a while arrive. Unnerved from the days events, I try to settle in. I try to let it go. But every laugh makes me more uncomfortable. Every brilliant line, makes me question my own abilities.

I find myself so stuck in my head, so self conscious. I sit a few games out, only feeling worse. I don’t feel good. Honestly… I don’t feel my best.

What do I do?

    I step in.

I force myself in. Into the thick of it, onto the stage. This is the best place that I know of to get out of my head, to get out of my insecurity and make my pride take a back seat.

And so we play. And laugh. And connect. One minute I’m prancing around the room, being a blonde trophy wife, and the next I’m in a fast forward drop-down-drag out fight, tumbling over a friend.

Out of breath…and out of my head!

Doubts, fears, balanced out by creativity and a willing attitude. Soon those concerns became outshouted by the task at hand: being present, saying yes.

Doing this. Life. Improv. It’s NOT about being the best. It’s about showing up.  Adding to the scene that is already in motion. Bringing your gifts to the table, no matter how dogeared they may be.

This night, I felt rocked in a place I normally feel some security: Improv. And for this day, I could say the exact same thing about my health. Suddenly, my comfort was gone, and the illusion of being good, no longer was there.

What did realizing that I’m not the best achieve? The knowledge that this is ok. That there is room to grow. There is room to learn. There is room for humility.

Moving forward, I grapple. However, I choose to do some of that through action. Be it on the stage or in my journey. I want to commit.  I want to show up. In motion and in the moment… even when I’m not the/my best.

Today, I will let these things percolate. And one day, there will be a brave moment when my decisiveness slips out. When that happens I will act with all my being. It will be my ultimate, repetitive  “Yes, and…” to this life.

***

Friends in the blogsphere, if you know of any good TMJD doctors or dentists, treatments or procedures to avoid, I’d be most grateful!

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2 responses

  1. Hi Kate, so sad to hear of your battle with TMJD. I had something similar, when I had dental work done and my “bite” changed. Immense pain! I eventually had a cortisone injection into the joint, and physio for about 6 weeks. It did go away. Yours sounds awful! New maxillo-facial surgeon to give another opinion?

    • Oh Charlene, I’m so sorry to hear that. Yes, I’m looking at all options/opinions I can- it is frustrating, as every doctor, dentist, specialist, etc I’ve seen in the last 10 years has a totally different plan of attack then the next. It’s unsettling. This new dentist seems good, but I’m skeptical from past experience, as well as frightened by his prognosis.
      Peace to you!

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