Can it be that just one year has passed since Independence Day? Although I may have spent this past weekend in the ER with a friend, last year was truly an ’emergency situation’. Life was out of control. And mostly these circumstances were beyond my ability to change and beyond my input.
Coming back from an urgent & unexpected trip to Pennsylvania, I had much time to reflect. With the cruise control set, sailing through the Appalachian Mountains, I realized I had to let go.
And so, today, on America’s Birthday, I set out on my for my own independence. I intend to not plan. Yes, I’ll do what needs to get done, but I will not sit and demand of myself a clear design of my life, just so that I am comfortable. I will work on not feeling bad or being hard on myself for not knowing what to do with this gift of my life. Instead, I’ll offer it up. I will work at not comparing myself to others, especially those blessed people who have always known what they wanted to do and how to get it.
My independence is to be free of the only way I’ve ever known to be me: Kate, living with a set idea, working towards a goal. Today, this full independence is to be plan-less, to be free. Why? So that ultimately I can live into me.
Months later, to-do lists still clutter my night table, numerous dates are circled on my calendar and travel ideas scrawled in my journal. But my intensity for planning? That’s decreased. And my prayer, it’s much more open. It’s more of a mindful presence than a wish list request. Yes, I am much better at not planning out my life. It’s still a challenge, but one I welcome.
Who knew that without a plan, I’d find a deep solace. And in the beautiful irony of life, this plan-less declaration to free me became a pathway to peace.