On Easter Sunday, I went to mass alone. Now as much as of late I dislike this practice, life happened. I got a friends email too late, plans changed and my family was sick.
It didn’t matter that the church was packed and I nabbed an aisle seat. It didn’t matter that the priest and community were very welcoming. Heck, it didn’t even matter that I saw an improv friend outside and got a kiss on the cheek with a “Happy Easter & sorry to have missed your show” wish. I felt alone.
I sat in mass, trying to connect, trying to just feel that reason I come, rather than just rationally know it.
This lead me to thinking about some of my recent frustrations: anger about my Mom’s condition, sadness about losing my Mom, impatience with myself for always wanting the know the next step in my journey, confusion and frustration about the seemingly static cornerstones of my youth being challenged by reality, maturity, and experience. Similar to a few years ago, when I felt that my personal Lent was continuing into the Easter season, I sighed.
And so even though nothing was solved and that my personal time in the desert might continue for a few more days, I made a choice.
Today was a moment to rejoice. To celebrate, to embrace, to be grateful.
For even though I’d like to control most everything in my life, sometimes its better, much better, to sit back and rejoice that I don’t.
Are there moments where you allow yourself to given into joy, even if you don’t feel like it?