Nellie, Nancy and Ned

A personal pet peeve is feeling like a “negative Nellie”….or Nancy or Ned. However, these last few weeks, hell these last few months have been intense beyond words. One problem or crisis ends and a new one begins. And while I feel like I’m weathering this storm to the best of my ability, I’m starting to operate on a loss.

Yes, there are moments of light and laughter; a dear friend’s wedding, an evening of improv in my own backyard under the stars, a two hour get-away to the shore with my boyfriend. I am grateful….and I want more.

Writing a quick email update to close friends about my parent’s health, I hit a wall. How honest do I go? I wondered. Do I say I’m fully in “survival-only” mode?  There are no concerns about sharing the frankness of the illness in my family, but of my own, I just don’t know.

My fingers fly over the page, opening a new portal. I type the only words currently weighing on my soul ” Stake me to the ground”. I want to express my desire for life and love during grief and pain. I want to feel rooted to this world, even with chaos all around. Hold me, let me cling. Let me grasp the ground.

And the first page that opens provides the beautiful wisdom below:

 

ROMEO
Give me a torch. I am not for this ambling.
Being but heavy, I will bear the light.
MERCUTIO
Nay, gentle Romeo, we must have you dance.
ROMEO
Not I, believe me. You have dancing shoes
With nimble soles. I have a soul of lead
So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.
……
I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe.
Under love’s heavy burden do I sink.
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