I miss you both so much. And I don’t know how to miss you.
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This time last year, my life was radically different. Mom was still here, but slipping more away after we lost Dad.
Today, I see that I am still in my winter.
I can’t wrap my head around that our first Christmas with neither parents, immediately follows the one without Dad. I just want those old days back. Where family gathered in our living room- giftwrap, or comics as we all used, was flying! My older cousins would happily play with sis and I. Mom would pass out presents and greet each family member as she would make her way around the room, cleaning paper, and smiling the whole time. I remember warmth, love, some much happy noise.
Truly, I’d give so much to have those days back. Sure, maybe it would teach me that I have romatizced them a bit. But, one more holiday with you both?
I’d ask for that day to never end.
Is there a rhythm to grief? I do not know. It is too close, too sacred, too of the now to surmise that there is rationality to this pain. What I know- is it lingers. It creeps around my world and my life, begging for more space. And that is how I don’t know how to miss you.
One year later, another parental death later, and I still don’t know how to do this, grieve.
I know there is no right way. But there is also no familiar landscape, some comfort of how I did this before. These losses are so large, and yet different. Together, it’s often too much.
I miss you both so deeply, so intensely, and live my daily life. Somehow, they are not in contradiction to each other.
Related: Winter Sullen Wonder Days