I miss our house. I miss decorating our tree. I miss my childhood chore/love, vaccumming up pine needles and how the warmth of the machine would make the room smell even more intense.
I miss you. I miss your navy blue robe with white piping from years ago. I miss your sleepyhead look, yet joyful Christmas morning smiles. I miss you collecting all the gift wrapping to recycle.
I miss your pancakes. I miss your starting a fire by 9am in the morning, just this one time a year. I miss your only watching “A Christmas Story” on the 24 hour loop- never on VHS or DVD.
I miss Christmas. Our Christmas of the years past. With the flow of many friends and family into our home, our hearth, our safe place.
I need this Christmas to be merifcul. I need the ache to not be so intense. And yet, can I ask that of this day? Will it listen? With Advent, I anxiously await.
So then, I need to be mericful. I need to allow the pain to be present, even if it is intense. I need to allow this Christmas to be this Christmas- even if all I want is one more with you both.
Merry Christmas- I miss you both.