Found you, Mom.

I found you, Mom 🙂


First in a tour in the underground of Portland. How you LOVED learning, especially about local history. I realized halfway through how much I share this trait with you. You were with me in the Shanghai tunnels, the riverfront, and even the learning that the ‘seamstresses’ were really ladies of the night.


Later in the day, after palling around shops and bookstores in Nob Hill, I realized there were Redwoods. REDWOODS, Mom!


28 years ago, we went to Yosemite for one of your big birthdays. I don’t pretend to remember, or want to count back to which one. But it was my first time on an airplane, my first time out of the Tri-State area, and first time in a National park. All things I now love.


You wanted to see these majestic  beings. I don’t know why- but we went.


So, in my red and leather jacket, ballet flats, I took a city bus and landed on a closed trail. “Rats, I thought” and my tired soles cried “no”!


But good old Google maps found another way.  A road, through the forest could take me to the “redwood observation deck”. Round and round this road went. Sigh.


Then a trail. Than others to follow.


Soon, it was like Fern Gulley opened up. Down into the depths of the trail we went, only to be overtaken, over-blown by the sheer beauty of these redwoods.



IMG_20190619_173118353 (1).jpg

Spot the little people!


They are magic, Mom. You are right.




I sat on a stump. Took in the view let out my breath and sobbed. Because I found you, Mom. In your majestic redwoods.


You are always with me, but this was an altar, a church, a holy space for us. I felt you reminding me to keep on this path of loving myself, so deeply. I recalled when you pulled in me, when I was angry about my sleeplessness and tried to push you away. And as that gremlin has crawled back to me now (insomnia) I smiled and loved you more.


Mom. Mom. How could I ever love you more? Even in missing you, I am filled with immense gratitude for you- for bringing me into this world and not leaving me alone in it. How I wish I could have shared these big beautiful trees with you….but oh, I KNOW. I definitely did.


Bring us sunshine, bring us ways to love & heal our selves, bring us patience, dear Mother. For I miss you, and love you. Amen.

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